Wanted: Time Machine?

After a long time. Long enough, that I barely remember.Finally, I registered for a First Aid and CPR Course.

It took me a completely empty summer schedule and a subtle unintended reminder from a close friend who is an EMT to remind me of this hankering. I know it seems very petty for me to heigthen the dramatic usage of words only to arrive at my first aid course experience. Well, if you know me at all, you would understand that my decisions are usually ushered by a reason.

I’ve never really told many people about this. But, I was one of those cursed people who watched their family members die right next to them. I was twelve when my grandmother had a cardiac arrest while sleeping. Completely hopeless, I just called for help. No one told me about CPR or prepared me for such circumstances. All I could do was sit there and watch my parents take over.

Funny how that incident has been buried under other memories over the decade. Today in class, Dr.Rashid somehow pointed at me and asked what would I do if I saw someone having a cardiac arrest and not breathing. By now, the answer was already programmed, CPR.

Two things happened throughout my course. I learned a lot about the Malaysian mentality when it came to learning about First Aid, and I was reminded why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place. My close friends would know that, I really wanted to be doctor at one point of time. (I promise I paid full attention during class!)

The Malaysian mentality:

There is a lack of awareness when it comes to these skills among Malaysians. I was enlightened today during class that the typical mentality is call 999 (Malaysia’s version of 911) and everything will be alright. Truth is, time is so limited that waiting for an ambulance to arrive is not going to make any difference. Humans’can only surivive 4 minutes without oxygen and a typical ambulance arrival time is far beyond that four minutes. Same thing goes to choking, rushing to your nearest hospital is not going to be helpful if your friend is literally suffocating in the back seat.

Some of my lucky friends who has been a member of Red Cross or St John Ambulance is often exposed to these circumstances. What happens if you’ve been living the rock and not knowing what to do. The worst part is no one understance the importance of these knowledge until you are in a time of need.

Doctor once:

Following SPM (Malaysia’s most importance public examination), I wanted to be a doctor. For some unknown reason, I’ve always had a strong urge to be a doctor. I myself never knew why. Perhaps I was a victim of the typical “Indian Holy Trinity of education” mentality (Doctor, Engineer and Lawyer). Do anything else from these courses and you’d be considered a failure by some Indians. Perhaps it was my subtle upbringing, watching my dad work in a hospital has somehow rubbed on me. Or maybe, it was the countless number of House, Sanjeevni or ER that I watched growing up.

Took me two years to realize that I wanted to be a doctor because of the practical knowledge it brings. Think about it, as a doctor you have the knowledge to save a life. You would never have to watch helplessly when someone is in danger. To some extent, I understood that a being a doctor is indeed a gift because you have the largest ability to help. Would you not sleep in peace everyday knowing you made a difference?

Of course, that’s the bright side of it. In reality, the classes are painful, the experience of loosing a patient could be haunting, and the burden of “knowing” can sometimes be too much. Today, I consider myself lucky that I did not end up pursuing a medical profession.  I have friends who often complain about the superfluous workload and expectations on them. More than that, I realized that I do not need to be a doctor to make a difference in a person’s life.

Please forgive my deep reflection. I am laughing at how I started from first aid and then pivoted to a completely different topic. Even now, as I am typing this, I’m undecided whether to share this piece. To some of my friends, the first aid course is literally no big deal. But, I hope that someone reading this would be inspired to learn it and that in turn might come in handy one day in making a difference.

For all of my friends intending to attend medical school or those who are already there, please take time to reflect on your reason for this life. I hope I affirmed some of your thoughts or at least made you think again. Please feel free to drop some comments on the shoutbox on the right column.

Regards,

YOLO.

A reflection: Nasi Lemak and Grits

Nasi Lemak: An iconic Malaysian food, served with creamed rice, spice, anchovies, cucumber and eggs. One of my most favourite (favorite) breakfast dishes in the country.

Grits: A Southern cuisine, made up of coarsely grinded corn and seasoned with some salt or sugar. Oftentimes served in Lils together with eggs priding the perfect Southern breakfast.

Funny how as you read this, there is going to be three kinds of people. One who knows what Nasi Lemak (Creamed Rice) is all about and question the meaning of the word ‘Grits’. The other, completely opposite, understanding what grits is all about but probably has the faintest idea what an foreign two-lettered word is doing in the title. Finally, the third kind who is either completely exposed to both cultures, well-read, or has been my victim of continuous presentation on Malaysian food and how they beat everything American.

I hope by this time, you are completely appalled by my assiduous attempt to paint the “victim” picture on international students. If that’s the case, then I consider myself an amazing ambassador and spokesperson for my fellow international community. However, the aim of this post is not to explain the cultural differences I face being the only Malaysian at Oxford (since Deisi is now a graduate), instead a personal reflection on how much I’ve changed ever since my arrival at Oxford last fall. As I do this, I invite all of you reading this to take a minute or two, to walk down memory lane and ask yourselves the same question.

August 2011:

I hated the way I left Malaysia. Everything was completely rushed. I had to miss important send-offs and most importantly, I hated leaving my family behind. I still remember the feeling sitting on the bench at Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA) while counting minutes till my departure. I’m sure all of us felt the same way leaving our family behind for college nothing special there. But what was heavy is the thought of leaving your family and having literally no plans to return back home anytime soon. While I survived on the thought that my best friends were in the same boat, I was engulfed on the fear of what to expect. It was backpacking to some extent. A completely crazy one. For that, I learned how to accept complete ambiguities in life and have faith.

Fall Break 2011

By this time, I’ve almost learned the art of getting around Oxford, Emory and a bit of Atlanta. Everyone was busy returning home this time; I dread the sound of bags being strolled across the quad. Somehow, that sound is classically conditioned to remind me of home. My break was humble. I met up with random Malaysian friends, Hue and Roshan at Georgia Tech. My remedy for ‘nationality-sickness’. I never really gave Hue much credit for being an amazing host. Well, thank you Hue for being an amazing host. Roshan, thanks for the Starbucks mate. Walking around Atlanta and taking my first Marta ride was exciting for some weird reason. It wasn’t because that was my first time in a city; it was because I couldn’t help comparing Atlanta to Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia’s capital). It was that phase; where I compared stuffs I am comfortable with; with stuff I now had to get used to. For that, I learned to get out of your comfort zone and accept new environment. A skills that came in handy when breaking social barriers and talking to people you’ve never met before. That explains my non-stop chatter to everyone, sometimes crossing the boundaries of professionalism and privacy. My close friends would agree with this statement the most

Winter break 2011

To sum everything in one paragraph is being unjust. Refer to my previous entry titled “Living of a Suitcase”.

January 2012

New year! I had the liberty to experience the finest hospitality at New York, thanks to Omar. Once again, I would like to express a huge gratitude for Omar’s generous offer to bunk at his place. While I was clueless where to stay for a week, my sociology buddy gladfully extended his invitation. I never really told him how much his family reminded me of mine. A family of four, working parents with two sons. Everyone in complete balance with each other. Not to mention a loving grandmother who prepares good food.

After that, was my Leadershape experience. I have to admit, one main reason why I applied for Leadershape was the one-week accommodation that I needed and the low participation fees that came along with it. Once again, funny how underestimating something never goes well. I ended up having one of the best college experiences at Emory and Oxford. Alien Invasion for the win! For that, I learned how to put aside my ego (which is huge) and accept favours (favors) and ask for help when you need it. Something that came really hard for me.

Spring Break 2012

Read my post “ASB 2012”.

January and February went by really fast. Exams, quizzes, tests and presentations obscured my memory about time! It was in March that Resident Assistant (RA) results were announced. Something I was looking forward to. If not for the perks but for the company and the opportunity to work with amazing people. Funny how I also met good friends during this period. Friends that I know would be real friends (I hope) making Oxford’s middle-of-no-where tolerable. Friends that I know would not drive me to N***** Medical Center (Centre) in case something happened.  For that, I learned how to appreciate people better. Something that not many people might know, layered by my sarcasm and remarks, nevertheless true. Its this time that I realized why people chose to remain at Oxford. It wasn’t the fancy place (if it’s fancy at all), it’s the company and the ability to be close to people that happens behind those walls. It wasn’t about how many students that went to a school that mattered, it was always about how many do you really know. For that, I learned indeed quality matters than quantity.

Summer 2012

Long awaited time of the year. Also my “Energon” (Transformers), getting through finals and the stress that came along with it. It was during finals I realized an important nature of human beings, especially Oxford students. We get closer to people when they are about to leave. My Hindu Student Association (HSA) sophomore board was an amazing group of people, epitome of Brown people as I would call it (it’s up to you to define Brown). I remember the night before my departure to Malaysia, how we literally changed the lobby into our bedroom, talking about our college experiences. I remembered how best friends sacrificed time and energy to spend one last night with each other despite their busy schedules. I know, it is too much to ask for the same group of people to be freshman and sophomores, but I guess that is what makes you grow up. More importantly, that reminds you that a change has occurred in your life. For that, I learned to appreciate people as you see them, not bottle your feelings up for the right time.

While enjoying my favourite (favorite) dish of Nasi Lemak after a year. I was reminded how much I’ve changed, physically and mentally. My taste buds are at war adapting to the spice and rich taste of Malaysian foods, but my mind often flashes grits whenever I see rice. A dramatic-honesty. My friends make fun of my 24 hours availability on Facebook at times. The truth is it’s my way to telling myself that I am connected to both worlds despite location. It’s hard to explain the need of being connected. Funny how as I type this I realize that I do find a need to be connected to my American friends, the same way I felt the need to be connected to my Malaysian friends while I was away. Perhaps, it’s high time I realize that I have two homes now. One, hometown glory as Adele puts it, Malaysia and the other a completely isolated place and squirrel-land, Oxford. #fml

On Being Circle or Square

Inspired by my current experiences, I question: Would you want to be a circle or a square?

Square, an elegant shape with equal sides no matter what angle you see it from. More than that, it represents firmness and oftentimes remind me of a fort, protecting my ideals and beliefs inside . I wonder, to what extend I have been a "square" in my life.

Growing up, I've have always been thought to never compromise my values. Respect, obey, and follow was always the key elements that were constantly fed to my mind. Funny how these values often gained me recognition among my teachers. I was always to some extent (some might disagree) been an exemplar to my other peers. I remember how I would be appointed

class monitor or prefect or even tutor by my teachers every year. In fact, there has not been a year pass, that I have failed to secure such "status".

As I transitioned to my high school, my values brought me even further than I thought. I made good grades, led various clubs and was often time placed under the spotlight (that explains my craze for fame). In fact, I went a step further and often time criticized my peers who do not share the same values as me. Especially those who are deviant and often time are trouble makers. In essence, I was the guy that everyone trusted to keep everything in order.

In other words, I was a "square", trying to keep the edges perfect.

Truth is, I am bored being a square. My years of trying to be "quintessential" (Yes, that's an SAT word) did bestow me with many gifts as I mentioned. Nevertheless, it did cost me a great deal. I got attached to my endeavors. I forgot there is more to life than a perfect track record. I forgot how it felt to be a be different. Most importantly, I forgot how to let loose and don't worry too much. Simply put, I never knew how it meant to be a "circle" with no edges and sharp boundaries. An empty space where you are free to define anything; enclosed only by your greatest values and perhaps faith for some people. The great thing about being a circle it is YOUR own values and not what people expect from you.

I guess to some extent, we are all circles and squares. The only question is which one encloses the other?

I understand if it makes no sense. LOL.

ASB: A Random Act of Kindness

Every time the residence halls close, I never fail to acknowledge my homesickness. Watching people strolling their bags across the quad, I have to admit that I am often jealous of my American friends. To most of them, a break meant family time. For me, it meant evacuation.

When I received an email from Kim asserting my acceptance into the Alternative Spring Break (ASB) program, I was happy. I wouldn't end up homeless after all. My friends tell me I am lucky to be a part of the group, looking at the limited spaces available.

Now looking back at every thing I have learned, I realize I am indeed lucky. Times like this, I appreciate my name Yugen, which means luck in Sanskrit.

For our first project, Kim gave us each $5. The rule was simple, spend the money on a random stranger. After our epic failure of searching for homeless people and accidentally judging pedestrians along the way, my friends and I decided to get some beach toys and donate it to kids at the beach.

Funny how the kids were expressing their doubts over our gifts. Some even questioned when should they return the gifts back. I never realized how even at a young age, kids are taught never to expect anything from anyone. What more, from a bunch of strangers with sketchy accents like us. Makes me wonder, how commercialized is our world today that even kids no longer have hopes of receiving anything for free.

Our second project was Poverty Stimulation Meal Plan. Each cabin was assigned a time slot where they would have to cook either dinner or breakfast with a limited budget for 36 people. My cabin was the first one to face the challenge. I remembered the majestic plans we had that included chocolate fudge and desserts. As we started shopping we realized that we had to improvise and often time had to return some items back to their shelfs. What we went through was nothing compared to some families who live in poverty. For us, it was a matter of choosing what to eat. To them, having a meal itself its a luxury. Something that I often overlook.

When we were served our Cabin Eviction Notice, all my cabin members were extremely angry. We had to evacuate our cabin and stay with our other friends for the night, in hopes of helping us to understand the lives of homeless people across the country. I feel indebted to my friends for accepting me into their cabin. What more providing their bed and blanket for the night. Some even slept on the floor so that I could sleep in comfort. Although I did this only for one night, the sense of guilt for troubling my friends extended beyond that. I could never imagine how do some people who lose their home feel when they have to stay with their friends or family. The thought of living on someone else's courtesy itself is a huge burden. I don't know what is worse, living on the street or surviving on someone else's sympathy.

One week was all it took to remind me how lucky I am. I know, someone out there would do anything to trade places with me. Although I may not be able to help every homeless person or orphan in the world, at least now, I can appreciate better my life. More than that, I remember the fight to make a difference is never over.

Restoring Hinduism : One step at a time

My Facebook notification was filled with Thaipusam wishes from friends back home. To be honest, that was my reminder of this celebration.

For those of you wondering what Thaipusam is, kindly Google it.

This year’s Thaipusam celebration was different for me. It was not the fact that I am in America, but how I celebrated it that made a difference. Unlike many of my friends, I was not able to visit a temple. I celebrated it by researching and reading articles about Thaipusam itself.

Of course, it could never replace the original feeling of visiting a temple. However, it brought a sense of proximity between me and God in one way. Thousands of miles away from home but I found peace in reading.

I have a question for all of you reading this, when was the last time you actually questioned or understood the reason behind your practices? I never did.

This post is dedicated to restore the correct perception on the celebration of Thaipusam.

Many years ago, a devotee named Idumban brought milk to perform abishegam (milk bath) for Lord Muruga. Every day without fail, he would carry a pot of milk up the hill to perform this ceremony. One fine day, on the month of Thai, Lord Muruga grant Idumban mukti (release from the death cycle). Seeing this, other villagers too started to bring milk and other fruits as offerings in hopes to receive mukthi.

Centuries later, this perfectly simple and harmless act has transformed to include mortification of flesh and other completely unnecessary feat like the one below:

Not the real Hinduism tradition & it hurts

Before any of you proceed to judge this, let me assure you we all do it in our own way. When is the last time we have been a victim of someone else’s interpretation. Have we blindly follow certain arguments and statements just because it came from someone older? Worse than that, when was our last time of self discovery through your own spiritual religiosity?

As time passes, I realized that we all perpetuate ideas that seem rational to us. These ideas then become a hearsay often misleading other people. Admit it, we have all been victim of this. The reason is simple, we never care to find an answer for ourselves.

I've done my part. I challenge you all to learn and correct what you think is wrong.

As long we remain ignorant, religious fanatics will always take advantage of us.

If you really hate fanatics, face them.

Special credits to: Miss Leela and Mr Gajen for their input and resources.

Living of a suitcase

Semester is finally starting and my one month of traveling has come to its end. When I returned to Oxford, I never really realized how much I liked this place. Sure it's isolated from society and civilization, but there is something special being behind these walls. Special and strong enough to make you feel safe. If I didn't know any better, I would say the walls whisper that everything will be fine.

My trip started off where it all began, Atlanta. I still remembered how I couldn't sleep the night before meeting my good friends. It's been almost five months since we all separated. Many things might change, but how we viewed each other was not one of them. This reunion was more than just four friends meeting each other, it was four memories coming together. Sometimes, when you have been deprived of your roots for sometime, memories are the only cure for the lonely heart.

Savannah was a beauty of its own. A small town with a rich history. From the haunted houses to the seaside beauty, this place is definitely a must go. I liked how everything in Savannah was a stone throw away. You could literally walk the entire town if your energetic enough, something Oxford can never give.

Jacksonville was all about the food. I still can't believe that we drove forty miles away to have some indian food. In fact, we had dinner in the exact same restaurant for three consecutive days. It's almost like we were under a spell. Spell or not, the food was great!

(The restaurant is called flavors)

Daytona beach was more of a disappointment for both me and my friends. Who ever said looks can be deceiving is definitely true in this one. Note to everyone: next time don't blindly fall for the photo's online. I wished we recorded the moment we discovered some used condoms under the drawer, that would be a funny video.

Orlando was an amazing place. Mostly because of the theme park we visited. Universal studios was a fun adventure indeed. Walking down Harry Potter world seemed so real. From the 12.50 butterbeer till the hogward's express train station. Everything seemed real. The devil was in the detail. Disneyland was another spectacular experience. Standing in front of Cinderella's castle waiting for the new year to spawn is once in a life time experience indeed. I never understood why kids wanted to go disney. All the characters are not real after all. I guess, sometimes we all want to get away from reality, enjoy our fantasy and understand that miracles do happen in life. Disney is not just a child's dream land, it was a reminder that miracles and magic does happen in life. Whether your a child or not.

I never really thought I would end up in New york. All my "memories" of the city has been through movies I watched. Well, it was possible thanks to some friends I made in Oxford. I experienced great hospitality living with my friend. New york or NYC reminded me much of Kuala Lumpur (KL), from the busy streets to the superfluous skyscraper. It was the place everyone wanted to be in. While we walked down the streets looking at hot spots, let us not forget those homeless warriors fighting everyday for the another day. Irony how the place of the rich is also the place of the poor. I saw many homeless people there, some were trying to be funny, while some were just at the verge of giving up. I often wonder how do these people get their day by. I guess all that saying that New york is the place of opportunity doesn't really resonate with this people, does it?

My vacation ended in NYC but my journey began in Leadershape. I have to be honest, I signed up for this programme only because I had no place to go for one week and neither did I wanted to trouble my friend. Funny how fate always plays in my life, those I pay less attention to end up being the center piece. The great thing about leadershape was not about the curriculum, it was about the people. 65 people, coming from different walks of life, sharing a common goal, to make a difference. I was definitely happy to make friends with many people. It only took 1 day for all of us to turn from acquaintances to family. How often does that happen? Well, it happened in leadershape. I honestly hope that all of us keep in touch, there is just too much to learn from each other.

As for me, living out of a suitcase has been a great experience. You never know what you can expect. The key is to have an open heart and accept whatever that comes your way. All this traveling made me think. If I could learn so much by planning a trip, how much can I learn by backpacking to a place unplanned. Would it be a challenge or insane? Either way, I think I got the mojo.

Wrapping the semester

Exactly 10 days before winter starts. Oxford has yet to be blessed with the presence of snow. Nevertheless, I am still grateful for Georgia's weather. Where else in the world can I wear shorts in the middle of winter? Only in Georgia.

6days left before finals and this is the perfect time to write about my classes this semester. Makes me appreciate what I have learnt so far and how it made me a better man.

One of my favorite class this semester was Introduction to Psychology. To me, this course was basically teaching me to learn about myself. The best thing about this class was the practicality of it. It doesn't take much to use what you learnt at class in your life. You don't need cash, capital or even fancy machines to use what you learned in class. One of my personal favorite is the sequence of "eat, sleep and study" that Dr Lewis suggested. I realized how simple things makes a huge difference in people's life. Did you know changing your light's color can actually effect the way you behave and concentrate?

Funny how psychology also makes me judge and appreciate my parents simultaneously. Never knew the statement "mak bapak tak ajar"(your parents didn't teach you) was actually true after all. Interesting how the decisions you make are not actually yours alone, it's a sum of all the aspirations of your close friends, parents, teachers and yourself put together. Question is, do you really own yourself?

Sociology 101 explored the dimensions and dynamics between people. It's like looking at the same coin but analyzing it from two perspective. To me, it was more like a puzzle. Taking an individual, taking him apart and trying to make sense of those pieces. I read a piece titled "Ain't No Makin it" by Mcleod this week. It's about two group of kids living in the same neighborhood but having different aspirations. One group worked really hard in school and maintained good grades, while the other was just indifferent. 8 years later, both of them ended up somewhat the in the same jobs and circumstances. What exactly happened?

All this while I use to blame people for their incompetency, lack of ability and character. I never really gave thought as too why are people the way they are. Sociology showed me that it's not much of a choice how people choose to present themselves, it more of a circumstance and their background that dictates how they act. Is it fair to compare and judge competency of a farmer's son compared to Prime Minister's wife? Were they given the same chance and resources? Sadly as it may sound, that is how every system in our society works.

Brings me back to the polemical issue of scholarships in Malaysia. I myself used to believe that meritocracy should prevail, but I stand corrected. If meritocracy was ever practiced in scholarships, I am afraid the inequality will be larger. Is it fair to push away a poor rubber tapper's son who got 6As as compared to the daughter of doctors who had private tutoring and obtained 10As?

I took swimming this semester. Deliberately didn't attend the placement test to get a place in intermediate swimming (Don't judge).

This class was a matter of personal choice. I simply didn't want to "thrash" swim all my life. I still remember how badly I panicked overtime my feet couldn't touch the bottom of the pool. It wasn't so funny back then.

One thing I learnt in swimming class is fighting your fear needs time and support. When my class started swimming, none of us dared to jump into the deep end. Only when one of us starts pushing their limits did we all even dare to consider the possibility. I was lucky being in a class full of friends who not only supported but also encouraged each other. Next time you consider ridiculing someone for their fear, ask yourself what have you done to help them overcome it?

That's all for now & comments are welcomed.